Official Fanfiction University of Arrakis
by HarmonyGoddess
Summary: The Official Fanfiction University of Arrakis, where the characters attempt to gain peace and only win frustration. With new terrors unleashed upon the students and the never ending triumph of the teachers, the saga of Dune is far from over.
1. A Beginning

Disclaimer: It all belongs to Frank Herbert and Camilla Sandman. Arrakis and Official Fanfiction University belongs to them, not me.  
  
"What the hell?!" Mara screamed as she was violently tossed from her bed. She soon discovered she was not the only one as confused. She looked around while groggily rubbing her head, expecting to find her friends Roxy and Sara. They had spent the night at Mara's place and used her computer to post tons of hastily written Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Dune fanfics online. She remembered fragments of the early morning hours that, in reality, weren't so long ago. She vaguely remembered Sara being visited by some cracker in a suit who kept referring to himself as One, Roxy opening the window to find an owl that had a letter for her, and both the letter and the loony-toon suit saying something about a fanfiction academy at Hogwarts and Middle-earth. In her drowsy, 6 in the morning state she could vaguely think how glad she was she wasn't them, stuck in some university in another world, off at some place you could barely survive because you were being attacked by all the characters you screwed up in books like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Dune.  
  
And then, in a rare moment when she actually thought something intelligent at this time of day, it her. The fragments ran more smoothly now. At about one in the morning, One came in to her room, the owl started knocking on her window, and the small microfilm appeared for her. She was off to the Official Fanfiction University of Arrakis Mara realized in horror.  
  
"Hey," a voice from above her said before helping her to her feet, "My name's Meghan Ellis, but everyone just calls me Meg. Yours?"  
  
"Mara Gentry. I betting we're screwed, what do you think?"  
  
"Tut, tut, tut. Such foul language," came a voice from behind them. They turned to find a tall, slender woman with red hair at chin-length standing in the doorway in a sleek-cut business suit, that although in some ways matched the slick black walls all around them, it oddly enough clashed as well since it seemed out-dated compared to the futuristic setting.  
  
"My name is Juno. I'm in charge here at OFUA, that's Official Fanfiction University of Arrakis for some of you dunderheads," she said as she stepped into the room, making her slim high-heels clank against the hard floor, and Mara only knew how hard. "I usually don't do much as far as student relations," Mara swore there was a twinkle in her eye as she said this, "but if there is anything involving the other universities, I will handle it. Muad'Dib has informed me that he has perceived we may have need of a cross-over class, so we will have one this year. Lucky you," she said with a smirk. She turned sharply on her heel and walked out without saying a word.  
  
They all followed, most of them still in their pajamas although a few of them seemed to have stayed up all night and fallen asleep in jeans and t- shirts. They walked out into a weak sun that promised sweltering heat by mid-day and small winds that were strong enough to kick up the sand around the small futuristic, of course, landing pad. From there they walked down the wide pathway of sand that led to a series of large majestic buildings. Juno stopped at the top of the seemingly endless steps to the doorway of one of the buildings. She walked over to the doors and made a show of opening the two large doors that were the entrance.  
  
"Here is your dormitories and mess halls; the lecture halls are over there, there and there," she said pointing to the buildings behind, to the left, and to the right of the group of students. "Welcome to OFUA. We hope you enjoy your stay here," she paused, no doubt for effect, and smirked, "Or at least we will." She walked into the large entrance hall making staccato clanking noising with her shoes against the polished marble floor.  
  
As the group ventured inside, Meg whispered to Mara, who she was still walking with, "No, I don't think we're screwed, I know we are." 


	2. Putting the harm in Harmony

Disclaimer: It all belongs to Frank Herbert and Camilla Sandman. Arrakis and Official Fanfiction University belongs to them, not me.  
  
Mara sat in her dorm room, like she had been for the past hour. Juno had shown them each where they would be staying and with whom. All their rooms had been decorated just like at home, well their half of the room at least. The good news was that Mara would be rooming with Meg, who, as it turned out, had actually read the books as well except she had read all of them, not just the first two like Mara. The bad news though was that Juno's assistant, who stayed with the students every so often to keep an eye on them, would stay across the hall. As it turned out Juno loved to be involved with student relations, it just so happened the students looked on it more like being unusually cruel to them. Well, Mara didn't know for certain, but after overhearing that Juno's assistant, Harmony, "loved to put the harm in Harmony," she was pretty sure.  
  
They had been given two hours to get "settled in," which sounded more like having fun with the airlocks by running in and out of them as fast as you can to hear the sound they make. All the dorm rooms had airlock's in them to help keep in moisture. A few thumps on the floor later and all of the noises stopped suddenly, their creators scared out of their wits by a short woman with long brown hair and lips pulled in as thin a tight line as she could make it since she appeared to have full lips. She held herself in a way that added a sort of native look to her, but she looked more like she'd only lived there a while, not been born there. 'Of course she wasn't born here,' Mara told herself, 'Juno probably brought her along with her.' There was no doubt in anyone's mind that this was the dreaded Harmony.  
  
"Hello, kiddies," she said in a venomous tone that didn't match the flippant words, "and welcome to OFUA." The last she added after a slight pause which Mara wasn't sure whether it was added for effect or if she just forgot she was supposed to be nice to them on the first day. Mara swore she saw a smirk and twinkle in her eyes, which was even more terrifying than the one they saw in Juno's. She wasn't sure if all the staff members loved to smirk evilly and look like they were fantasizing about torturing the students, but Mara sure hoped they didn't because if Juno and Harmony together didn't creep you out enough, well then, Alia sure would.  
  
"Hello Harmony. I did not expect you to be getting acquainted with the students so soon, or have they committed some minor infraction you have yet to inform me of?" said a tall woman with long, sleek black hair who's height was only more obvious by the fact that she stood stiffly next to the rather short Harmony. Mara and Meg glanced at each other through the corners of their eyes with a look that said something along the lines of "she's the strangest one yet". Alia glared at them so quickly, they were sure no one else knew she had done it, but her point was made, she had caught them and didn't appreciate the gesture.  
  
"Good day Alia. I didn't expect to see you here either," she said squirming a little like she was uncomfortable being in Alia's presence, which made everyone else uncomfortable because Harmony looked anything but natural around Alia. It looked more like Harmony was a student and Alia was Harmony. Alia did seem kind of creepy, but they were all very careful not to mention anything in front of her, she didn't seem to enjoy that kind of stuff.  
  
The clanking sound of high heels against marble informed the students as well as the two staff members that Juno was on her way. "I guess it's time for them to meet for their.breaking in," Harmony said with a sneer.  
  
"Yes, yes," Alia said with no less evil. The two seemed to have a joint effort against the students. "I wouldn't want them trying to steal my Duncan, no matter how.attractive he may be." Mara wasn't 100% positive, but it sure seemed like they loved to use dramatic pauses around the students. She also swore that Harmony scoffed at Alia's last comment, but then again, she seemed to scoff at almost everything that had been said anyway.  
  
"Alright, follow me. There's a meeting in the main lecture hall," Juno said. The few people who hadn't peeked out of their room when Harmony walked up, so came out of their rooms to join the growing crowd of new OFUA students in the hallway. As the doors opened and closed, quick glances of pictures of Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett, Matt Damon, and even a few of Elijiah Wood and Orlando Bloom. They followed Juno out the doors of the dormitories and into the well-worn sandy path again, but this time they simply went straight across it and into the similarly large building that Juno had previously pointed out as one of the lecture halls.  
  
It too had a huge series of steps leading up to it, which took out what little energy Mara had, unfortunately all of the bouncy people who seemed to think this was all fun in games, did not find this at all tiring. Why was it that the people you want to lose energy never did? When they finally reached the huge open doors, they stepped onto the tiled designs of seas and oceans that were on the floor. Directly in front of them were two smaller, but still large doors and to their sides even smaller doors and staircases branched off from the main entrance way.  
  
They trooped through those doors into a huge, elegant room, whose sheer size was intimidating let alone the rich decorations that covered the walls and high ceiling. There were no seats, but it was doubtful anyone would have used them had they been there. A strange mystical voice came from the slightly raised platform at the end of the room. It didn't need to be any higher than a foot or so because the person up on it looked so almighty and powerfully in this room that anything more would be overwhelming. Along with the ornately dressed man who Mara assumed to be Paul Muad'Dib was.Ben Affleck?  
  
"Wait a second, this can't be right?" Mara said to Meg.  
  
"Yea, that can't be Ben Affleck. Besides, what would he be doing on Arrakis?" Mara and Meg's first instinct was to back away towards the doors, which turned out to be a good one. Unfortunately for PixieStix, her first instinct was to run up towards him and embrace him in a close hug. Strangely enough, he didn't back away.  
  
"That's odd." When he didn't react to the hug, PixieStix decided to kiss him passionately on the lips and once again they were all surprised when he appeared to be returning it. "Unless." Mara and Meg turned to each other not wanting to see what was happening on the stage.  
  
"Isn't that a." A shriek from PixieStix confirmed it.  
  
"Face dancer!" They said at the same time, not even noticing they shouted it until the sound ricocheted off the walls magnifying the volume. They turned to see standing holding on to a struggling PixieStix, the unmistakable form of Fat Bastard.  
  
"Very good, Ms. Ellis and Ms. Gentry. Esisa is a face dancer," Paul said turning his blind eyes towards them in a way that made chills run down their spines since he seemed to be staring a hole through them even though those eyes couldn't see.  
  
"And yes," Juno added, "we did get the.inspiration from your rooms. Didn't you find it at all suspicious that your dorm rooms were decorated exactly like they were at home? Of course we knew all about your celebrities in your world, Ms. Gentry. I thought it would be especially.interesting if the Face Dancers were to take on forms more recognizable to you, ones you would.trust more. The Face Dancers loved the idea as well. I have you to thank really, Ms. Gentry, for this one," she said pointing to Esisa, still looking like Fat Bastard, but apparently she/he didn't like being fat so was slowly reducing their weight to where it would be almost unnoticeable. Mara's mind raced back to her room. It was covered in Austin Powers pictures, unfortunately for her, this did not go exactly her way.  
  
"I did love your Arrakeen version of Austin Powers," Harmony said in a malicious tone. Mara couldn't even remember that one; it was probably some time when she was on a sugar high. 'Oh no, Oh no! Not that one!' She remembered it; the hastily and badly written story, which was, covered in more grammar errors than there were grains of sand on Arrakis. "Although I did disagree with your version of Bijaz being Mini Me." I short man in the corner gave her an evil smile. "I thought he should be a little more malevolent with a little sharper teeth."  
  
A sharp pain from her leg made Mara cry out in pain. She looked down to find a very malevolent Mini Me biting her leg with very sharp teeth. The pain was like over two dozen tiny daggers digging and sticking in her skin, ripping through her jeans. She tried to shake him off her leg in her panic, screaming like a banshee all as she did it. All the attention in the room was not directed at her though, even when she was acting as wild as she was in her pain. Hufflepuff (no one quite understood why she was here instead of at Hogwarts) was being attacked by Harry Potter; Kristi was being kicked in the stomach by Elrond, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer was apparently confused with what to do with her stake, so was beating a frightened student that Mara didn't know the name of over the head.  
  
"Stop!" cried a commanding voice over the noise that was unmistakably Paul's. Silence filled the hall as all of the faces turned to face him. Mini Me's teeth were still gripping Mara's leg, just not as tightly anymore.  
  
"And that is why you never take anything for face value here on Arrakis," Juno informed everyone with what was unmistakably pleasure in her eyes. "Or write a cross-over. You might give us, or rather them." pointing at the Face Dancers who now looked like normal guards, well normal for Arrakis, they still looked strange to the students, "ideas. Dismissed!"  
  
Mara groaned and limped back to the dormitories leaning on Meg who luckily for her was unhurt. Mara promised herself she would never ever write a cross-over fanfic again, or at least hurl a javelin through Legolas if she ever saw him on Arrakis, whether he was a Face Dancer or not; after the evening she had, you could never be too sure. 


	3. The First Week

Disclaimer: It all belongs to Frank Herbert and Camilla Sandman. The great ideas of Arrakis and Official Fanfiction University belong to them, not me.  
  
Mara groaned as she got up. The sudden burst of Arrakeen light into the room caused by the shades violently lifting up at the touch of a button by Meg was a little too much for Mara in the morning.  
  
"Good morning sunshine!" Meg said both cheerily and sarcastically at the same time; Mara had not a clue how. All she could do was grunt in response as she tried to get up, but quickly fell back on the bed again. Knowing only too well how sharp a face dancer's teeth could be, she wouldn't be surprised if "mini me" had torn muscle. Although all the students had learned to greatly fear the face dancers in one night a week ago, apparently Smiley had not learned enough. Unfortunately for her, Alia had decided to teach that lesson.  
  
Shrieking could be heard bouncing of the walls of the corridor from the end closest to the main door and Mara's room. Smiley had apparently tried to seduce Duncan Idaho, which was not a good move. Well, actually, she had planned to seduce Duncan Idaho, and Paul had foreseen it and told Alia, which was not a good thing. After Alia smiled satisfactorily at the look of horror on Smiley's face, she turned and walked out to the large open doors that led outside.  
  
Most of the students had learned to fear the face dancers, as well as Alia, already. If you got Paul mad you were in for it, but seeing as how everyone got chills up their spine when he walked into the room, or talked, or breathed even, he wasn't much of a problem. Alia on the other hand was a totally different matter. Most of the students had by now learned not to trust anything that wasn't native, which was good seeing as how Mara had overheard Chani happily informing Paul that pretty soon if the brought in the Revered Mother Helen Gaius Mohaim she would probably be tackled to death by the entire student body. The students had formed a coalition against the Face Dancers, and although some people were still fooled by Matt Damon walking around with his shirt half undone, most of them just unified and tackled the Face Dancer if they ever saw Gimli strutting around the halls.  
  
Unfortunately, the Face Dancers got smarter too; they loved taking the forms of characters from Dune now to trick the students. Hufflepuff was the first to find out when she decided to wear Potter-style glasses, a Hogwarts uniform, and a magic-marker lightning bolt scar on her forehead to their Arrakeen ecology lesson and ran into Leto III who was usually mild- mannered. He then proceeded to.they all swore never to breath a word of what happened to Hufflepuff to spare her the shame.  
  
The first real scare came last night, though, when it was announced that when Alia was dislodging a crysknife from Ally's elbow (it was Alia's doing that put it there), she had "accidentally" mistaken a gom jabbar for the painkiller, and that Ally was now in a coma in the hospital wing of Lecture Hall 3. (It had been deadly only to animals, and Alia had used Ally as a test subject on the effects of animal instincts in teenage girls.) There was one in all of the lecture halls (two in Lecture Hall 1) and three in the main dormitories. Everyone was even more cautious of Alia after that and to the students' horror and the Face Dancer's delight, they promptly took on the form of Alia and made the students practically jump out of their skins upon sight of them.  
  
After her first two classes, which are always great since there is never a set schedule at OFUA. You just have to show up in whatever lecture hall is assigned for that half of the day with all of your books (not just the ones for the classes in that lecture hall since sometimes the teachers decided to switch on you at the last minute) and wait for the teacher to show up, which usually took a half an hour so that the students could stand up for 30 minutes holding their entire library of school books. Harmony had insisted that they have the finest (and heaviest) books and that microfilms should not be allowed. Also to the students dismay and the teachers' delight, the only set times were for meals, so you could make your class as long or as short as you wanted. How many classes you had a day depended on how much homework they felt like shoving onto you; how long those classes were depended on how boring or torturous the class was.  
  
Kynes had decided to end their ecology lesson early, so that they could hurry off to Training Room 6 off the third corridor on the right from the main hallway in Lecture Hall 3 (that was the sort of thing they expected you to remember at OFUA) for a quick lesson in knife-fighting with Duncan Idaho and Gurney and of course, overseen by Thufir Hawat. Knife-fighting was always boring since it only consisted of being yelled at for holding the knife the wrong way and then Stilgar coming in and commenting how they should never be allowed to how their own crysknife with that kind of block or parry.  
  
They were supposed to be in their Bene Gesserit class, which was taught by the Lady Jessica and Irulan (to the students' great relief since Irulan was the kindest teacher there and always had at least a little sympathy for the students if they had some intelligence) but had been cancelled do to the fact that Alia insisted on teaching too, but kept on losing control over the Baron Vladimir Harkonnen (who had not returned to his body like some of the others since he had was in a way still alive) and kept shouting things like "Bah, Bene Gesserit witches!" It had taken both Jessica and Irulan to drag her to Paul to continue the argument and since this was always a source of interest to the teachers, classes had been cancelled until the end of lunch.  
  
Mara was walking down the fourth corridor on the left off of the second corridor on the right from the main hallway of the second story of Lecture Hall 1 (the good part about remembering all the pathways was that you rarely got lost, well, if you managed to remember it all), which was fine since it wasn't forbidden. In fact, it was promoted considering you were more likely to do something deserving a punishment if you did that.  
  
"A week? A week?! How did you manage to make your students act that well behaved in a week?! Only one minor lusting incident and not a single stampede! I am amazed Juno, how do you do it?" Mara heard a voice call out behind the door on her right. She didn't recognize the voice and by now all the students knew who all the teachers were. If you didn't they got very mad or upset which was not a good thing.  
  
"Face dancers," she heard Juno respond, and then to her horror she heard her say, "Ah, yes, Ms. Gentry, please come in, I would like you to meet someone." The door slid open to reveal Juno sitting in a plush lounge chair next to a small, polished mahogany table with across from a similar chair with a harsh looking woman as its occupant. "Ms. Gentry, this is Miss Cam, the administrator at the Official University of Middle-Earth. She's here on a quick visit to discuss some of the crossover plans. Cam, this is one of our more able students at OFUA, Mara Gentry," the tone seemed to say that she was showing off to Miss Cam, but knowing Juno, Mara wouldn't be surprised. She was way too conceited to pass up an opportunity to gloat, even if it was about someone like Kari and Chelsea, the school's most infamous lusters, earning their fame in just two days after an unfortunate incident with the spice. (They tried to use massive amounts of spice to get the location of Leto III's bedroom  
  
"Why isn't she at class?" Mara remained silent, she knew what happened if you answered a question that wasn't directed to you.pain.  
  
"I do believe there was an argument that broke out between some of the teachers, am I correct?"  
  
"Yes, between Alia and the Lady Jessica and Irulan."  
  
"Yes, yes, as I expected."  
  
"Excellent, Juno. You've handled them well," Miss Cam said in a superior tone. "Not even speaking out of turn." the last with a bit more awe in it. Mara thought quickly and decided that the benefits of saying the quote outweighed the penalties of saying it without being talked to.  
  
"A beginning is a very delicate time." Juno's smile of triumph brightened just barely enough so that it wasn't offensive, but still obvious on her face.  
  
"Do you not fear Juno or myself?" Miss Cam asked with a manner that said that Mara would have a hard time getting out of the hole she had dug herself into, but Mara had just the plan to get herself on to the pile of dirt she'd made herself when she dug that hole.  
  
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration." Juno's face could have lit the entire room by itself by now it was so bright, but owing to the scowl Miss Cam's face had on it, the lighting remained the same. Everyone, by now, had learned of the rivalry between Miss Cam and Juno, which was why Miss Cam would not often by seen at OFUA or Juno at OFUM. Juno's contempt for magic and fantasy was well known throughout the school, which was why no Potterholic was safe at OFUA and Juno had pleaded with Paul that they could just do a tour of the major houses' planets instead of going to OFUM. No one really knew if Miss Cam had a problem with sci-fi or not, but Juno was just so adamant in her struggle against fantasy that it seemed impossible for any Lord of the Rings supporter to not go fight against her. Even the LOTR fanatics and Potterholics had joined together in a secret society against her just last night.  
  
"You may go now, and I do think lunch is ready now in Mess Hall 3. Ta ta!" Mara quickly stepped outside the door as it shut just as fast as the door shut with a hiss. She ran out as fast as she could to the main hallway to head for the 3rd mess hall in the students quarters. Chani and Paul had come up with the great idea of giving the students riddles to figure out where each meal would be served to accelerate natural selection and only feed the bright students. Meg was in the midst of planning a black market to sell water rations (which were going to be reduced soon according to Harmony) and answers to the mess hall puzzles.  
  
Mara stopped just short of the doors to the cafeteria as it suddenly struck her that it had only been a week since she was lying sprawled on her bed with Sara and Roxy discussing whether Josh Hartnett or Ben Affleck was cuter. 'All of this happened in one week,' she thought. Maybe it was the atmosphere of knowledge that was at OFUA; maybe it was the fact that the student building now reeked of spice since the escapade with Kari and Chelsea, and half the students were high all the time, or maybe it was simply that you could just get more things done when classes went from sunrise to sundown.  
  
The doors flung open suddenly (they had a tendency to do that and knock students in their faces) and out burst Meg and Chad, one of the very few males the girls knew at OFUA. The staff members kept arguing (which had started long before the students had arrived) on whether to segregate the students by gender would be better or worse, so most of the girls didn't mix with the guys since you always ran the risk of winding up at Alia's mercy. They'd only seen Alia in action once or twice, but it was never pretty.  
  
"Where were you? Please don't tell me you had trouble with today's riddle. I mean how easy was that!" Meg cried, which was true.  
  
"I know, 'How many major houses are in the background of Paul and Irulan Atreides?' We figured it out in two seconds and made 20 bucks off of Marilyn," Chad added. Even though you couldn't use American money on Arrakis, people still used it as their main currency for the black market, which had started their second evening when it was discovered that sugar was not included in much of the food and Kari had a huge pile of candy in her closet. Mara made sure her personal stash of chocolate was kept secret.  
  
"Sorry, I got lost in the hallways and accidentally stumbled upon Juno and get this, Miss Cam."  
  
"Miss Cam?" Chad and Meg said in unison. "The infamous Miss Cam we have heard about nonstop since we got here?" said Chad.  
  
Meg decided to do a halfway decent impression of Juno, "Come on, slackers, how are we ever going to beat OFUM with that work ethic? Are we going to reduce to the level of fantasy? That woman needs some Prozac and Tolkien.and fast." All three of them loved Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, but they were all very careful not to vocalize this in front of Juno who would probably send you straight to the face dancers for that. No one knew why Juno hated OFUM, but they all had their theories starting from day 1.  
  
Mara's was that she was bitter for having Miss Cam chosen over her for the job at OFUM (which would also explain the hatred of Miss Cam) and desperately tried to prove her school was better in an attempt to console herself. That sort of thing happened when you had too much time on your hands. In addition to working from sunrise to sunset (which included an hour and a half for homework), the students had all the time they couldn't sleep in their rooms since, as ironically as it sounds, it was too humid. The air locks trapped just about all the water in so the air circulation was terrible, which was especially bad for Chelsea and Kari.  
  
One good thing, though, about being on Arrakis was that the pep pills that they let all the students have were wonderful. They would have been sold amongst the students, but no one was willing to give up theirs for cash. Mara was just thinking how if the One Ring had been in an OFUA students hands, all Sauron would have to do was offer them pep-pills and only realized until two late how she never should have combined the One Ring with Arrakeen pep-pills when the three Alias came toward her smiling happily. 


End file.
